I miss c altogether too much right now, and two days without a word from him is a little too much for me, and it makes that very old feeling come back.

the feeling that I had when I was nineteen and I was in love with altogether the wrong young man, and he went away to new zealand for an indefinite span of time (four, or six, or maybe 10 months - he wasn't saying). during which my heart started beating funny. during which I'd made the unwise choice to take a semester off. when I'd stare down the postman each late afternoon, just daring him not to bring me something. and talking on the phone to new zealand once every two or three weeks. and feeling this ill rhythm in my heart, beating little second-beats, unnecessary stutters coming as a half-formed afterthought. and just this feeling :

this feeling of :

nothing I can do.

I miss you so much, and I am just rutted, rooted, wordless here and there's nothing I can do.

:

it's a different experience now altogether but that feeling inched back in just now, and I don't like it a bit and still I know it all too well.