somewhere in my head I knew it might be like this. back when I was deciding whether to move into a house where my sister would also live, this kind of thought went rasping across my optimistic visions. the thought that I would turn mean and greedy-feeling, gnarled and snappy, the way I turn when I feel my life encroached upon. and, oh, uh-ugh, that is what has come to pass this way.
when I was growing up I made pains to make my life apart from my sister's. when I was busy and quiet in ballet class, four dresses a day, wee buns in my fine hair, putting barrettes on the dog for playtime. when all the while my sister rode horses on trails in the woods, took her shirt off to fight with boys, made noise and let you know about it. I made sure I didn't date boys in high school; I would not study the same subjects as she had. I turned mean to make myself separate. I am not her a second time; I ached to make it known.
and I'm turning mean to keep myself separate again.
the trouble that complicates the trouble is that she's begun dating my boyfriend's good friend. who are both part of a tight group of friends. of whom I've been a part for the last year or so. and now my sister works her way in too.
(I go home and she is there. I watch a movie with friends and she is there. I plan my weekend and she will be there.)
I've spent the last four years in this city, which my sister settled in first and then left, making a life. making my life mine.
I grow greedy and hackled wanting to keep her out of the whole of it.
none of which is to say that I don't love her.
which should be beside the point to state.
I simply do not know how to keep a steady head when I feel my life inched-in upon.