well, I really liked it there. I gawked at it and was totally enraptured. I decided to move there in a year if I don't get a good offer for grad school. I wondered briefly what that decision might imply for the boyfriend situation, and then quickly firmly told myself that such wondering is exactly the kind of shit that I can not be bothered with in days like these. (when a year and a half doesn't imply much. when I'm getting cast as good-intentioned but irresponsible once again, and the role & its repercussions exhaust me. when I realize this man dresses like an eight year old, and we may never have the same taste in anything. and I am always always looking for a stable structure for my life and the place I think of first to find it is in another person.

(I notice that I'm doing this again and I do this all the time, and I realize all swiftly just what shitty folly all of this is. and what to do.)