.)travelling across the country to dance for a beloved mentor. making two dear new heartfriends. learning. being dumbstruck. getting the chance to design twenty costumes. um. then having to sew twenty costumes. beginning to feel used. being told (with a violent hand in the air toward me across the theatre) by dear mentor to shut up, this was not the time for my input. when i'd been told that i was a collaborator, thus my input being of deep importance. learning that it wasn't. being deeply sad about saying goodbye to new dear friends, deeply confused about saying anything at all to dear mentor. leaving at the end of it without explaining how i felt. not having said anything since. not knowing what to say or where to start.

..)being flattered and asked unrelentingly into making costumes for a dance piece, not mine. costumes for four people. spending lots of money on supplies. being given no direction, sewing on and on reminding myself, no i was entrusted to do this, they said go ahead we will love it, whatever you make. having gotten anything in writing. not having received any money up front. not thinking i needed to. shipping the costumes back to california, having finished construction after i left for my trip. later receiving a voicemail saying, they weren't what we expectied, we didn't use the costumes, we are not going to pay you. 'it's no one's fault, we just took a gamble and the gamble didn't turn out like we hoped.' (sure, but you aren't the one who's out a hundred bucks in materials and fifteen hours in labor. tell me who made the bigger gamble.) (oh shoot, i shouldn't have written about that now. ooh it makes me angry. i had a bad hesitant feeling about it all, and i ignored it, and look where it got me. big lesson to take from the fetid fiasco: intuition is good. trust it. if i think a person is untrustworthy, maybe crazy, i should listen to that instinct. lest more idiocy like this ensue. ugh.)

...)not ever having hated my job as much as now. it becoming physical. feeling loathing as a body ache.

....)total clarity and utter, absolute confusion all at once. feeling shaken up and silty, all debris swirling around.

.....)needing to read poetry every night before i go to bed. all i need is one good line. something about air, or water, or torn from the limb, torn swiftly, and i am okaycalmyessleepshallwesleepyesyes.

......)adjusting to c wanting the same things as me now. weird, nice. laying out sane four-to-six-months-from-now plans, figuring out how the hell i'll pay my half of a three bedroom place.

.......)planning my own birthday present: no more job. at least not this one.

........)this is not so much the originally intended list now. i don't know what this is, and dots, are they really better than numbers?