i realized what it is, why letting it happen without my hand rising up is appealling: the thought that someone might find me flawless and wholly alluring is something i can't bring myself to put an end to. i can't.
you cannot let yourself do anything with that boy but be flattered by the fact that he likes you.
i said it to myself and at least three people have said it to me too. yeah, doi. that's not the point. that's not the problem.
the problem is there's something that lets this all be so enticing.
clearly there is someone else whose role should be to make me feel desired. right? am i not right about that? one of the functions of a boyfriend might sensibly be that?
i don't know. i feel like i wouldn't quite know.
oh.
something has to change.