god, do you ever have this feeling that everything in your life is just degenerating? your interests, your friendships, the quality of your prose? this is the feeling I'm beset with today. bear with me.
when I was growing up, my parents had a short list of words that we were not allowed to say. besides the ordinary curse words, which were really just a given, the word at the top of the forbidden list was "hate." we were not allowed to hate anything. we could strongly dislike, when accompanied by a lengthy list of reasons, but "hate" was a word apparently reserved for things truly, unimaginably vile. so repellant that we as children would never come across them. and maybe we didn't have much to hate, but being deprived of the use of a normal word, a word that other kids spewed like watermelon seeds, isn't so good. builds up an illogical longing to say it all the time.
such as now, and last night, and any time I'm annoyed with my boyfriend. the pouty voice in my head spits out small, nasty choruses of "I hate you."
not cause I do. cause I'm hurt and sad and that word is open.