i'm in the thick of getting reacquainted with my own life after abandoning several parts of it for a few weeks. leaving home proved good for greater clarity, and now i feel i'm staring down all number of things with a more plain gaze, which is good, i guess, but discomfiting. awareness can be unsettling. knowing what you have to do is not always easy knowledge. i'm always slow to make changes, and i'm dreading the process of making all the ones i need to make. coming back to my apartment was strange, seeing each of my housemates again and recognizing, i did not miss you once. not c, with her bitter tongue, or a, in spite of kind soft heart, or e, in spite of how much she missed me, and not at all j, about whom i can only now see the lack of lightness, all this wiry aggression. i realize now how hard it's been to find anyone who's kin to me. and in two weeks away i found more kin than i can put my arms around, more than i found here in four years. i don't know quite what to think about it. my first impulse is to bail for greener territories. my second is to bring them here. my third is to trust that it will all come around.
there's just so much you have to contend with here, you know?