2005-04-23 :: 4:02 a.m.

i've had this feeling lately of living at the edge of law and sense and feasibility. feeling dicey and marginal. in part this is founded in action (driving an uninsured, unregistered car, for one) but in part it's an unfounded lurky spectre that just seems to be hanging around. i am hoping it departs. maybe if i quit indulging in shadiness it will go more quickly.
it was all flinchy-embarrassing at the bar tonight, when one specimen of my most-heartcatching types (the bearded norse bikemessenger type), a member of the band of the eve, was sniffing around like he was game to become my bf or something. and i looked forward to saying, i think you're quite cute and kind to boot but i am really so in love with my boyfriend, but the opportunity did not arise. and itchy embarrassment when i walked out of the kitchen to the bar to see the sleaziest man i ever slept with (sometimes all-caps in my head; also known as the garage lay) on the other side of the bar waiting to order a drink. i got the icky confronted-stomach, flippy-flop and churny, for a few minutes before i remembered there was nothing to dread him over. no bridge, no water, just a weird couple of nights two years ago and nothing else. i had words i planned to say to him but chance didn't come there either.
the night is worn. i'm turning in.
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